Posts from — December 2008

I always get a little sentimental around the holidays.  I am a reflective person by nature (duh, like you didn’t know).  I do long for holidays past, when life seemed a bit simpler.  I was reminded of this when I was exchanging emails with my cousin Donna, who is serving in the Air Force down in Arizona right now.  She misses home these days too, she was part of our family gatherings way back when.

Christmas Eve and Day were not just holidays, they were major events.   I spent most of my time with my family on my mother’s side, which was all 100% Italian.  A variety of Italian-English words were spoken in half sentences, Fortissimo wine was served and it was so strong it would make your hair stand on end.   My Uncle George and Nonni would sit there and “Beve” all afternoon.   My grandmother (Nonna) and Auntie May would get all riled up, and wouldn’t like that too much.

There’d be multi-course meals, then fruit and nuts, then dessert.  And did I mention the family?  Yea, we’d all congregate there and spend hours on end. And I mean hours.  It was always extra special when we got together with our family from Southbridge who used to live an hour away.

It would all start in the mid-afternoon of Christmas Eve, we’d all go to our grandmother’s house and start cooking.  We were big into the Feast of 7 Fishes, so we’d have a smorgasboard of food to choose from.  Over here was squid being stuffed, pasta being churned over there, and my grandmother at the counter would be slicing open live lobsters while they kicked their displeasure.   She showed no fear, I can still see her doing it in my head.  Everyone would have a task, no matter what age. My cousin Lisa hated lobsters, and we used to tease her unmercifully by pretending we were clipping her with lobster claws…of course the claw was our make-believe hands, but it seemed real.

We all participated in the preparations, and just enjoy being in the presence of our family.  And the evening wouldn’t end until midnight or later, sometimes we’d head to midnight mass, although they wouldn’t always drag us kids.  We’d either be sleeping on the benches or making too much of scene from being overtired.  You know,  the sound of giggles in between Latin verses, piercing eyes that blared “QUIET” from the elders…

And then we’d go home (sometimes), and come back early the next day to do it all over again. We’d play a card game called Tumblr, which was an easy-to-understand, fun game that all ages can play.   Bets were made with coins, and we’d all bring our coin jars that we’d save up over the year.  And laugh…oh yes, our group erupted in laughter over and over, especially when we won those silly little side bets.  I also learned to play a mean game of 500 Rummy too during these marathons.

The smells in this kitchen were just amazing.  If I even get a slight whiff of that smell today, my eyes tear up. Last time that happened I was in Little Italy in New York City.

This experience is not quite what we have today.  In fact, it pales in comparison but it is nonetheless good.   The challenges with today is that we all have so many places we need to be. And with more divorced families, hanging around with one family for 2 straight days is an impossibility.  Plus, many of us have moved afar to Florida, Arizona, Orgegon, South Dakota and geographics make it difficult.

I am grateful to have those memories, for they brought such a deep respect for my Italian culture and heritage growing up.  I am proud to be the host for Christmas Eve nowadays.  I try to tie in some of the culture from what I remember.  I’m lucky my Mom lives with me and we can share in some of those “preparations” for the evening together.   It’s a special time.  But it does bring up longing for a past that is just that, the past.

It was funny was seeing my husband settle into this family tradition of long visits.  His family does things very differently, and we jokingly discuss the “First in-First Out” tradition there.  Usually on the way over to any family event, he’s talking about when we will leave.  But he found that leaving wasn’t really an option with my family.  They just stayed.  And stayed.  And stayed.  He eventually went to lay down, while we stayed some more.

But it was all in good fun, and he came to appreciate some of those traditions.  And now that we have Christmas Eve, family doesn’t stay as long as they used to. So it all works out.

The main point is to be present with our family and friends to share life, break bread, and celebrate the holiday.  Life is precious.  We don’t know what’s going to happen next.

This year we are trying to revive a old tradition or two, whether it be a new dish to the menu or playing Tumblr again.  Feel free to share any traditions that are important to you and your family, I’d love to hear them and we can all learn from each other.

Many blessings to you and your family.  From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all a peaceful, joyous holiday season.

p.s. To Donna, Jason, James, and Val’s cousin Jay, thanks for your service to our country – you guys rock…  Merry Christmas!!

This is a crazy time of year, life seems to be on warp speed around the holidays.  People drive more aggressive, Christmas lists gnaw the back of our minds (did I remember everyone??), and the Holiday Card lists linger as another thing to do before we celebrate.

But I do like to take this time of year to reflect back on how things went and see where I can make changes in 2009.  I set goals every year, and for the most part I do alright in meeting them.  But there are others that are more elusive and tend to stay on the list from year to year.  They include things like write a book, start up an online store, write in my blog daily (cough cough)…

But I do have a big finding this year.  The kind of finding that I think is pretty deep seeded,  and may have really big ripple effects moving forward.  So, my new realization is that I apologize alot.  I’m always saying “sorry”, even when I’m not really sorry.  I’m getting a bit irritated with myself.  Sorry, my cart is in the way; Sorry, you’re in my way;  Sorry, I’m next in line; Sorry, you dropped your pen; Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.  Being polite is one thing, this is entirely another.

What’s up with that? In fact, this is something that I do ALOT.  It’s really a bunch of nonsense and has to stop.  It’s almost like “I’m Sorry for being on this planet”.  Ummm, no, I’m really not.  And, I’m here to do some interesting things that require NO apology.

This all came to a head last week when I had a brief coaching session with Andrea Conway, who is very talented at lasering right in on a problem, no matter what direction I come at.  She helped me wake up a bit and recognize it for what it is, and what a huge blocker it is.

I think it started way long ago, back when I was a child and my brother (who I love dearly NOW) really didn’t appreciate my arrival into this world (as other sources say).  I spent alot of my childhood playing things down because I wanted his attention, and placated things so I could just get along in hostile territory.  Fast forward 40 years later, and I’m still apologizing for coming into the world.  Now that may be a big jump in logic, but I do find it interesting when I discover little things like this that end up being HUGE things to consider.  Things that have deep roots require a gentle, yet strong pull to get it all vs. rip it out like a dandelion and leave half the root in.

Now I’m onto this trend.  I was shopping this weekend and I noticed how many times my subconscious answer is “Sorry” or “I’m sorry”.  Now when I catch myself I feel myself getting pissed off that I was unable to stop my unconscious response.  My son has told me to stop saying that phrase when I’m driving and “motioning” to other drivers who are usually being complete idiots…they don’t deserve my apology for sure.

So 2009 is all about no apologies, no regrets.  I’m ready to move on.  It’s bagged and tagged.  All through.

I can’t wait to discover what else is in my deep dark closet of hidden habits that could deliver a new breakthrough.  I do think this is one of those discoveries that will continue to bear new fruits.  I have no idea how today, but the mystery is unfolding, and I look forward to sharing the insights here.

The soul excavation continues.   Until next time…

Did you ever have one of those days or weeks when it feels like your world is tilted ever so slightly?  Things slip by, emails get lost, computers crash, stuff happens.  So last week was one of those weeks.  Two things that were very important in my life vanished, literally.  I couldn’t believe it, or rather didn’t want to believe it.

Sure, my Thanksgiving was wonderful and I am grateful to have spent time with family and celebrated my sister-in-law Kelly’s birthday (yeah!).  But other than that, my world felt like it was tilting.   Let me explain.

It all started last Saturday (not the one that just passed) when I got an email that a very very dear friend, Christine MacFarlane, was in coma at a Boston hospital, and things did not look good.  Christine is like a soul sister to me.  I met her when I started my personal evolution to explore my spirituality and she guided me through so much.  She introduced me to my most favorite authors like Esther & Jerry Hicks and the Abraham series, Florence Scovel Shinn, Catherine Ponder, Eric Butterworth, and on and on.  She was instrumental to how my journey has evolved, and we spoke often sharing, laughing, crying over whatever was going on.  And we helped each other through some tough times.   And then in a split second or two, she was gone.  For good.  No long goodbyes.   She wouldn’t want me beleaguring this down side, and I won’t for too long.  But she was a rock in my spiritual foundation, then a piece of that rock crumbled.

Second rock moved when later that day, after I found out she was in a coma, and my tai chi/kung-fu Sensei delivered his news — that he was not going to be teaching anymore… Say what???  Can you repeat that please?  Yup, he’s not teaching anymore and that’s it.  He’s done. For good.   WHHAAATTT??

I did not over react at the moment, I felt sad for him. I knew it was a decision that was difficult for him.  And I’ve been working with him for the last 3 years, every week learning something new.  A new meditation, a new self defense move, a series of forms that almost feel like ballet at times, but are deadly at the same moment.  I loved my tai chi, it was my time.  It was part of my spiritual journey.  But yet, another rock shifted in the foundation.

The reality is that these shifts happen all the time, to all of us.  And I’m reminded that usually when a shift like this happens, it is always for the best even though I can’t see it at the moment.  In both cases, I am a better person for  knowing both my friend Christine and my teacher Mike, and all the gifts they have both given me over the years.   I can continue to practice tai chi on my own, and perfect what I liked the most.   And I can also release that which I don’t really care about.

And while losing anyone we love is never easy, I must look to new ways to embrace things.   I do know that Christine’s spirit is still with me, I can feel her around at times.  I might have a thought that would be something she would say.   And the day before Thanksgiving didn’t I receive an e-card that she had queued up to her circle of friends sending all of us “Extravagent Blessings” just days after she passed.   She was a constant source of light, love, and friendship like no other.  I know her family and friends all feel the same. As for my training of tai chi, I can continue to embrace all there is to learn and continue my journey there.  There is no end unless I make one.  It will just be different.  I’m sure my Sensei and I will reconnect at some point.

I think it’s important to remember that when our worlds shift like this, that while our first reaction may be to batten down the hatches and go inside, that we should not be afraid to reach outside ourselves. Remember that others do care about us, and are there to help us through no matter how small the gesture.  I had many friends share such wonderful, supportive comments on Facebook and in email, and that was special itself.

I always say it’s always darkest before dawn.  It’s a fundamental truth.  And in the times when the world feels like it’s tilting, we just need to hang on, let it do its thing.  It will settle out. It always does.  I’m trying to relax into the change that’s here.  Intuitively I know it’s for my own good.

Here’s something my friend Christine shared with me that I think is worth repeating. It’s helped me keep the faith in times like this.  It’s a quote from Edwene Gaines, a spiritual leader in the Laws of Prosperity:

When you come to the edge of all that you know and

you are getting ready to step off into the unknown,

Faith is knowing that one of two things WILL happen:

(1) When you make that step there will be something there for you to stand on

or

(2) You’ll learn how to fly.

Time to put on my wings….