Posts from — May 2009

The dust cloud

I happened to watch a video clip of Oprah at Duke University’s graduation where she received an honorary doctorate (Congrats Oprah!).  In her speech, she talked about several things, but the one thing that stood out for me like a red blinking light was this phrase “You are responsible for the energy you bring”.

I clicked in my brain like when the slot machine makes a hit.  In my own life, I’ve been called oversensitive, and will tear up for happy and sad events. First time ever I remember feeling like a dufus was when I was 7 and cried at the movie Benji when the bad guy kicked him across the room.  I knew I’d be in trouble when I got older, but I also remember being really embarrassed.  I didn’t like feeling vunlerable and was pissed off and sulked the whole way home.  Of course, this affected others at home.

As I got older, I saw how people would respond to my moods, and discovered that I would also be affected by the moods of people around me.  Happiness is contagious, as is sadness and depression.  I never knew how to process it all though, it would be somewhat of a muddled experience when I would find myself sad for no reason.

I’ve come to realize how emotionally transparent we really are. We ARE responsible for the energy we bring…to whatever we do in life.  We are responsible.  I know that sometimes blaming is easier, but do you ever reflect on why things happen the way they do?

Have you ever noticed when you are in a store cashing out with someone who is ready to leave their shift? It’s like their mind is elsewhere.  You can tell they are not with you, they are already leaving the building.  Energy is palpable, whether we like it or not.  When we enter a room we bring with us, like Charlie Brown’s friend PigPen, a dust cloud of energy that says alot about us and our intentions of that moment.  Some folks are more tuned into it than others, and it may not always be obvious.  But it’s there whether we want to acknowledge it or not.

When was the last time something didn’t work out the way you wanted?  Did you consider your role in the outcome?  Were you stuffing some fear around the event?  Or perhaps not listening to your gut tell you that you are not making the wisest choice?  Or maybe feel a little inertia in the feet, like you are glued and can’t move?

It’s with these small understandings that our biggest lessons are earned.  For example, I’ve noticed my shyness will often polarize people away from talking to me, having the exact opposite effect I desire.  It’s because I’m carrying around the energy of worry and fear of lack of approval (what if I say something stupid? what if I have nothing to say?) that comes into the room with me, and hangs around me like a necklace.

Just today I heard my Mom coming over to see me, and as soon as she hit my office doorway, I could tell she was miffed about something, I didn’t have to even listen to the words.  And then she didn’t like my response because I felt like I was being judged and gave her a snappy retort. Fortunately, I recognized the insanity and diffused the situation, but not until after I snapped back.   So keep that image of Pigpen in mind next time you are doing anything that involves or affects others.

You are responsible for the energy you bring.  And the outcome that goes along with it.

Image source: http://www.kornheiserscartel.com

Today I wanted to reflect on something I’m noticing in my social media travels.

Are you my friend?

A few questions to think about:

Have your feelings gotten hurt when someone does not respond in kind to a friend request?

Have you been upset to see a friend make a post on someone else’s page and not respond to any of your posts?

Do you get excited when you make a post about something, then disappointed when no one notices?  Or seems to notice?

I’ve been experimenting with social media for about a year now.  I’m an active user of Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.  And I am noticing, even in myself at times, that we hold unspoken expectations of our “friends” in this media, much more so than we do in real life at times.

I’ve seen this happen on Facebook to close friends of mine and I’ve helped them navigate out of this bees nest. It can and has deterioriated into blocked profiles- the ultimate door slammer.  I’ve also noticed it on Twitter too.  People unfollow people who they don’t feel interact with them the way the want to. And the emphasis is on “the way THEY want them to”.  Of course at the end of the day, we have 100% choice in who we choose to friend, follow and pay attention to.  Then why put it back on the other person?

Is all this our egos at play?  I am always happy to make friends with someone and bring them into my circle.  But then, do I go and hold them accountable to how “I” prefer to interact?  I must confess, sometimes I do.  It’s not fair, and it’s not what these connections are meant to be about.

I do think that new joiners on Facebook and Twitter set out with specific ideas in mind of how things will be for them.  The reality is usually far different from their idea.  And disappointment follows.  I’ve seen this scenario happen over and over:

- You friend someone, say an old high school friend

- They respond, excited to hear from you and give you a brief update.

- You respond, excited with a brief update.

- Then no more response from your friend.  Or vague, choppy responses.

And here’s where disappointment comes in.  You start asking yourself, “Did I say too much” Did I make this person mad?” and all the second guessing that happens at this point.

The challenge is that there are all types of computer users on Facebook and Twitter. Some check in daily, some weekly, and some monthly or whenever they get a chance.  It’s not always a “real-time” response, but of course it can be it’s just not all the time.

So my point is, let’s drop all our expectations.  Why do we have them of others, especially in this medium?  Your famly and friends probably can’t live up to them in real life, so why the heck bring them here?

Sure, there’s banter, good back and forth dialog and hip shots, that’s what makes it fun.  There is a subtle ebb and flow of information being exchanged.  It’s like a river, and you jump in and out when it’s convenient for you.  But when we start judging others based on their response, lack of response, or what appears to be lack of interest, just let it go.

Let’s let everyone be who they are.  I always tell people “Just be you” in these applications.  You don’t have to be witty all the time, or profound.  Just be you.  And let others be them.  This is the ultimate definition for a being a good friend.  Respond when something moves you to, otherwise don’t respond at all.  Sometimes silence is golden.  And sometimes a funny retort is a perfect response.  Don’t think too much about it.  Just let it happen.  And don’t get wrapped up in reading between the lines.  That’s where trouble is lurking.