Category — Personal growth

It was a typical night for me, waking up at the random hour of 3 am, mind turned on, wheels turning.  And all of a sudden I was receiving a poem… I’ve never been a poet nor have tried to intentionally write poems myself.  But it came fast and furious.  I got up and had to write it down.  I thought I’d share it here…

Ignition Happening

In reading the written word,
or the actions of another;
In a smile on the lips,
or the eyes of lover;
During a walk in the gentle rain,
or carousing on the shores of Maine;
In a fun little push of a swing,
or hearing a robin’s roost in the spring;

Lighting the flames of the soul
Come not when beckoned or called
but come inthe softness of the night
sitting in the moonlight;
allowing
yearning
desiring
appreciating all that is…
all that can… and will be.;

Upon fanning the flame
with a soft breath, a sweet kiss,
a loving hug, or a playful tug;
Never in the doing but in the being.

Being in kindness,
letting love flow,
from our hearts,
and through our fingertips;
through our touch,
or in giving;

And allowing the gentle flow of love
to rain down upon another
only to ignite the flame again..and again.

***

Crazy….but cool.  Would love your thoughts…

A  couple weeks back I read an article where Steve Forbes interviewed Warren Buffett and JayZ together.  It appeared to be an unlikely couple, aside from the fact that they are tremendously successful. Read the article here.  Curious about the combo pair, I discovered a few things.  First, that they had alot more in common than you would think.  More from a philosophy standpoint rather than worldly experiences, in fact, their worldly experiences were pretty different.

One of the things that struck me was something JayZ surmised from listening to Warren Buffet talk.  He said:

As I was listening to Warren, I could just hear all the similarities and all the things in what he’s saying, right? Because if you don’t look at the tickers, you’re really just searching for the truth within all the numbers and all the chaos. And that’s the key to being a recording artist. You’re telling your story or finding your truth at the moment..

Finding your truth at the moment…I pondered over that phrase for awhile that day, and off and on since I read it.  I think it’s so true in so much of what we do as people.  Everyone has their own truth and we may not always understand it from one another but we know it’s there.

But I find it’s true in the work I do as a marketer, and for any professional of that matter. Often times I”m looking to put together the right combination of words that ring truth to it, and I fuddle around over and over until I find just that right combination.  My friend who’s a computer tech wiz does this in his work, he  can fix anything, he’s amazing at what he does.   Lots of effort goes into finding that moment where it all the words (enter noun here) just click into place and it feels truthful.

The same goes for anything I’m doing, as I’m trying to live in each moment (ah hem…) the best I can.  My husband always used to tease me for being too truthful – not the hurtful kind but the honest kind.  After leaving the grocery store one day, I realized the girl gave me back my check when she handed me the receipt.  I went back in to give it to her, to this day my husband still talks about it.  Well, I figured it would catch up with me once they were counting the day’s tally, but that’s not why I returned it.

So, I’m trying to incorporate this into my life’s activities.  I’ll let you know how it goes, and if I have days where I’m spreading white lies like there’s no tomorrow.  They happen, not often, but the happen.  And that’s ok too.

Does that phrase resonate with you at all?

This week I went to my annual physical.  It was the first time back seeing my doctors in the “western” world of medicine since I’ve been getting help in the “eastern” side of holistic medicine.   I was kind of excited about this appointment going in.  I had copies of my tests that I had taken – it included one allergy test and two hormone tests, and a new prescription for hormones.   My health has been improving remarkably since I started down the holistic path.  I’ve lost weight, my blood pressure is down, pretty sure my cholesterol is down, hair is healthier, my last mammo was clear (as opposed to the last 2 years when I’ve been going back every six months to recheck things).  All in all, pretty good results!

Well, wasn’t I surprised when I met with my NP (nurse practitioner) to share my good news? Lol..what was I thinking…East meets West…what a freaking mess.  She was pissed when I started telling her what I’ve been up to.   She looked at me like I had ten heads…”you did what?”  “your taking what?” Apparently I was a BAD girl.  Tsk tsk..

Then she asked, “So, what did Doc So-and-so (gyno doc ) say about this?”

ME:  “Well, um, she doesn’t know yet.”

NP:  “What do you mean she doesn’t know?”

ME: “I have’t seen anyone since last year, I’m kind of in between docs.  I interviewed Doc So-and-so last year, but I wasn’t getting the answers I was looking for….”    BIG PAUSE….

NP:  Audible sigh…

ME:  “I brought my tests to show you some of the results, and….”

NP:  [cut me off] “Well, let’s take your blood pressure” and she took my test results folder and nicely put them under my jacket on the chair.

The rest of the appointment was ok, she scurried me along and we were done. She didn’t want to hear what I had to say, nor look at anything i brought except the prescription bottle I brought….which she promptly scoffed at when I told her it was a “compounded” prescription.

Bitch.  But not just her, the whole experience.  It’s a bitch.  And so unsatisfying. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it is.  Many women my age I talk to feel this way too…

And I wonder why I feel the way I do about doctors from the “west”?  If someone listened to me last year….and helped explore the way I wanted to, we wouldn’t be here today. But they weren’t listening then, and they are not listening now.  Nor are they happy with my path.  The letters spoken “ND” (naturopath doctor) are like fingernails on a chalkboard for some MDs.  Except for thought leaders like Dr. Christiane Northrup, who inspired me to take steps in the holistic direction because I kept coming up against walls where I was.

Honestly, I felt like a child who didn’t behave properly on the school playground. I was a “bad girl” because I went out of the western medicine circle.

And the best part is, I have another gyno appointment with the new doc who I met briefly last year in a “pre-interview” to see if I liked her. She doesn’t know what I’ve been up to either.  I’m wondering if my reception there will be the same, or perhaps worse because I didn’t really let her help me.  And there’s an ND who’s prescribing stuff that she normally would.   That’s probably enough to piss her off too.

But the bottom line is, too bad.  I don’t care what they think.  I feel better and AM healthier.  I believe that we need to be our own medical advocates.   We DON’T have to follow every direction from our doctors if we feel that it’s not right for us, imagine that? Having a say in our medical care?  I’m all done being the good girl who does what she’s told. Especially when it comes to my health.  I’m sticking with my intuition and will keep going in that direction.

Next week should be fun.  I’ll keep you posted.

UPDATE:  So perhaps some egg on my face…got a call back from my lab results…I’m anemic.  Makes sense really, but maybe I need to listen a little more too.  Oh well.  One day at a time here.

I caught myself today missing the big picture.  It’s been one of those days where I’m running from A to B, plugging up holes in the wall per say.  It’s been a picture of the week too, but I’m not really complaining. Busy is good, business is up.  There’s more stuff to do.

But, in my hustle of today, I had several packages to mail.  I had may day planned, do this, do this, do this, have lunch with an old friend, hit post office to get these packages MAILED dammit.  A couple have been sitting on my desk waiting for this moment!  I end up having a fabulous lunch, my mood was lifted feeling more positive, and as I was pulling off my exit to the highway I looked over at the pile next to me that was “next” on my list.  It was:

-  A package for a cousin in Iraq

- A book for a friend that I promised

- My taxes (with a  refund no less:-) )

- A charitable donation

Holy smokes…it hit me.  I should be enjoying this moment instead of rushing through it like everything else.  It was packages of goodness, for different people and things, but all goodness. All of a sudden, the world shifted into a new focus that felt immensly better than rush rush rush.  I’m just sayin.

I’m so glad I didn’t miss this moment.

The word “No” must be one of the most used words in the world.  It crosses nations and languages like my dog’s smelly farts cross a room.  (sorry, he just cut one and it was an accessible analogy ).  It’s a word I hear daily, and I’m always amazed at how freely we toss it around.  Sometimes NO is the right answer. And it protects us from ourselves.

I must say that  I’m not the best at using the word No.  I often say Yes (although my husband would challenge that), but I don’t like to turn people away.  As a result, I get overcommitted and frustrated which leads to pissed off and irritable.  And that’s a short step away from insanity, where I lose it and scream bloody murder.  SO what’s the big deal?  It’s not a bad word.  As my cousin would say to me ” What’s Your Problem Girrrrl?”  (She has NO problem with NO…lol…)

I’m not saying I’m a doormat either.  But I do use it sparingly, only when I know I really can’t commit.  Recently when after working with a client, we decided to turn them away.  I just couldn’t do it, it was too much vampire energy for me in that relationship.  I’d be exhausted after a phone call, running in circles and circles.  That felt freeing, it was like a literal cord was cut in the universe.  Released from the mothership. >Snip.>

My son uses it like a brick wall.  No, Nope, Never, Not.  I often think that he uses it too much because he shuts down opportunities as quckly as turning a faucet off.  Simple, quick, but sometimes painful.

My husband has no problem with the word either. There must be a happy medium, but I guess it’s all in the way we manage ourselves.  It’s different for everyone.

Maybe it’s just the fact that I don’t like to disappoint people.  Or perhaps its because I really WANT to be helpful and believe at that moment, I can do it.

But one of my favorite coaches, Cheryl Richardson, wrote a newsletter article one week about saying No as a daily practice.  I must say I did enjoy cutting the cord in my example above.  It’s easier when it’s not kids or family, but still, it has its place.

Being nice is good, but being honest is better.  So let’s hear it for the word NO.

Hurray!!  N N N N N N NO!

I read an article this morning from Andrea Conway, a law of attraction coach who shares a great perspective on LOA and how we can bring it into our lives, business, etc.  So this morning in her e-newsletter, she talks about how we can bring ourselves in better vibrational alignment with what we really want.  In her article, she suggested that like ordering a dessert, why would we order up a dessert from the menu of the universe and have it be something we don’t like?  She asks  “would you order strawberry rhubarb pie if you didn’t like it?”  Well, no..

.

I love these kind of analogies because they make sense.  Our words, thoughts and desires are essentially placing vibrational orders to the universe, but then when the waitress comes, we want to send it back our order.  I’ve been there.  Andrea offers these thoughts, to help take ourselves off the hook.  She suggests we don’t really know we are doing it, it’s an unconscious thing:

It’s not always easy to accept that we’re vibrational matches to what we clearly do not want: a shortage of money, an illness, a difficult relationship. But denying our vibrational resonance to the situation only binds us to it more strongly.

If you can accept that whatever is in your life right now is a vibrational match to you, you’ve made a huge first step in using the circumstances you don’t like as springboards to something better.

So, I’m  taking a dose of this medicine right now in light of my new situation.  I will say that up to the point of my recent food allergy assessment, I had been ordering up (thinking, desiring) a way for me to make better food choices and help align my body with what it needs.  I also wanted to change my belief that weight loss is hard, and switch it around to weight loss is easy.  You know, challenging those limiting beliefs we hold, and cutting the polarization cord so I don’t keep bringing back situations I don’t want.

Andrea does offer some suggestions around acceptance which is the key to it all:

Acceptance is a way of pausing, clearing the slate, and starting afresh:

OK, universe, I accept that right now I am a vibrational match to these stale oatmeal cookies. But I declare that what I truly prefer to eat is the key lime pie.

The simple act of accepting what has happened and choosing again sets you on a new vibrational course.

Acceptance is a small step — so small that many people would dismiss it as too insignificant to matter. Yet, it is the entire key to shedding the resistance that binds you.

I guess I would have liked to “send back my order” of food allergies.  But as I’m accepting it all, I am noticing that there is no resistance, and weight loss is easier.  It’s just coming off, and I’m not thinking about it much.  I’m also not crazy hungry like I would be if I were “dieting” and thinking I could be having other things but I’m not.  The reality is, this is a new way of life.  It just is.  And by not fighting it, I’m gravitating toward re-discovering foods I have ignored or never had.

I like that part of it.  And I do feel better.  So, if I can realign myself there, where can I go next??   Seems like the field is wide open.

Have you experienced this before?

Photo Credit: www.kingshawaiian.com

I’ve always had allergies.  It affected my childhood to some degree, and they still bother me to this day.  But I never thought I was allergic to food.  I had taken allergy tests using the skin prick method years before, but food did not come up as a problem.  So, fast forward to a couple weeks ago and where I met with a naturopathic doctor who wanted to take a different kind of blood test to look at food allergies again.

“Me?” I thought?  I don’t think so. “No, not food allergies.” I said to the doctor  “Everything else allergies but not food.  I love food.  Food loves me.  I don’t have any digestive problems.  But I do have these dark circles under my eyes.” I said.

Doc said “Those are allergy shiners, a classic sign of a food allergy, the kind that is more subtle and can happen up to 4 days later after you’ve eaten something.” Great……

I had been changing my diet over the past few months (coffee) and thought I was doing good with oatmeal in the morning, a healthy wheat bread sandwich at lunch, dinner is another story – sometimes healthy and sometimes not.   But the point is, I took the darned test and it came back with allergic reactions on a majority of food and some food groups.  I was allergic to all dairy, eggs, wheat, wheat gluten, barley, oats, pork, turkey, and on and on.  Veggies like garlic and tomato – what? Did you say tomato?  Holy smokes, I’m growing 12 tomato plants in my garden alone.
I could go on and on, it’s easier to think about what I can have vs. what I can’t have.  I’m changing my diet, one step at a time and eliminating foods as much as possible.  There is a huge learning curve to this, and I am figuring out food labels.  The more I know, the more I’m shocked.  But so far so good. I’ve had a couple of set backs, but I just keep on trying.  The best cookbook I could find that fit my condition was one a diet for  AD/HD and Autistic Children, and Celiac Disease (which I don’t have). So I am learning food all over again, but going more organic, whole.  No breads, sugars, processed foods.  I’ll keep you posted on my progress.  I have already seen some weight loss, I’m all for that!

So I’m living the free life now — wheat free gluten free dairy free wooo hooo….

UPDATE AUG 14:

In going with my new food plan, I decided that I would first focus on elimating the processed foods dairy and wheat, but keep some of the real fruits and veggies in my eating plan, even though a few were on the bad list.  So last night I ate a delicious tomato and basil salad, despite tomatoes being on my list.  But I figured I’d know how it would react since everything else I ate was on my “good” list.  So, in the middle of eating the damn salad, I start sneezing. Then 20 minutes later I’m using my inhaler.  I guess I am allergic to tomatoes – for now anyway.  I keep hoping that I can get back to food I love like this. But it is sobering. I’m not sure I would have really put that together without doing this plan.  And the killer is I have 12 tomato plants growing.   How can an Italian survive without tomatoes??  :sigh:  Or deal with the reaction. One or the other.

I think the hardest part is that I don’t like to identify myself as “allergic” to anything.  It’s not how my mind operates.  I wonder if that thinking keeps me in that vibrational pattern or not.  Time will tell.

The dust cloud

I happened to watch a video clip of Oprah at Duke University’s graduation where she received an honorary doctorate (Congrats Oprah!).  In her speech, she talked about several things, but the one thing that stood out for me like a red blinking light was this phrase “You are responsible for the energy you bring”.

I clicked in my brain like when the slot machine makes a hit.  In my own life, I’ve been called oversensitive, and will tear up for happy and sad events. First time ever I remember feeling like a dufus was when I was 7 and cried at the movie Benji when the bad guy kicked him across the room.  I knew I’d be in trouble when I got older, but I also remember being really embarrassed.  I didn’t like feeling vunlerable and was pissed off and sulked the whole way home.  Of course, this affected others at home.

As I got older, I saw how people would respond to my moods, and discovered that I would also be affected by the moods of people around me.  Happiness is contagious, as is sadness and depression.  I never knew how to process it all though, it would be somewhat of a muddled experience when I would find myself sad for no reason.

I’ve come to realize how emotionally transparent we really are. We ARE responsible for the energy we bring…to whatever we do in life.  We are responsible.  I know that sometimes blaming is easier, but do you ever reflect on why things happen the way they do?

Have you ever noticed when you are in a store cashing out with someone who is ready to leave their shift? It’s like their mind is elsewhere.  You can tell they are not with you, they are already leaving the building.  Energy is palpable, whether we like it or not.  When we enter a room we bring with us, like Charlie Brown’s friend PigPen, a dust cloud of energy that says alot about us and our intentions of that moment.  Some folks are more tuned into it than others, and it may not always be obvious.  But it’s there whether we want to acknowledge it or not.

When was the last time something didn’t work out the way you wanted?  Did you consider your role in the outcome?  Were you stuffing some fear around the event?  Or perhaps not listening to your gut tell you that you are not making the wisest choice?  Or maybe feel a little inertia in the feet, like you are glued and can’t move?

It’s with these small understandings that our biggest lessons are earned.  For example, I’ve noticed my shyness will often polarize people away from talking to me, having the exact opposite effect I desire.  It’s because I’m carrying around the energy of worry and fear of lack of approval (what if I say something stupid? what if I have nothing to say?) that comes into the room with me, and hangs around me like a necklace.

Just today I heard my Mom coming over to see me, and as soon as she hit my office doorway, I could tell she was miffed about something, I didn’t have to even listen to the words.  And then she didn’t like my response because I felt like I was being judged and gave her a snappy retort. Fortunately, I recognized the insanity and diffused the situation, but not until after I snapped back.   So keep that image of Pigpen in mind next time you are doing anything that involves or affects others.

You are responsible for the energy you bring.  And the outcome that goes along with it.

Image source: http://www.kornheiserscartel.com

Today I wanted to reflect on something I’m noticing in my social media travels.

Are you my friend?

A few questions to think about:

Have your feelings gotten hurt when someone does not respond in kind to a friend request?

Have you been upset to see a friend make a post on someone else’s page and not respond to any of your posts?

Do you get excited when you make a post about something, then disappointed when no one notices?  Or seems to notice?

I’ve been experimenting with social media for about a year now.  I’m an active user of Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.  And I am noticing, even in myself at times, that we hold unspoken expectations of our “friends” in this media, much more so than we do in real life at times.

I’ve seen this happen on Facebook to close friends of mine and I’ve helped them navigate out of this bees nest. It can and has deterioriated into blocked profiles- the ultimate door slammer.  I’ve also noticed it on Twitter too.  People unfollow people who they don’t feel interact with them the way the want to. And the emphasis is on “the way THEY want them to”.  Of course at the end of the day, we have 100% choice in who we choose to friend, follow and pay attention to.  Then why put it back on the other person?

Is all this our egos at play?  I am always happy to make friends with someone and bring them into my circle.  But then, do I go and hold them accountable to how “I” prefer to interact?  I must confess, sometimes I do.  It’s not fair, and it’s not what these connections are meant to be about.

I do think that new joiners on Facebook and Twitter set out with specific ideas in mind of how things will be for them.  The reality is usually far different from their idea.  And disappointment follows.  I’ve seen this scenario happen over and over:

- You friend someone, say an old high school friend

- They respond, excited to hear from you and give you a brief update.

- You respond, excited with a brief update.

- Then no more response from your friend.  Or vague, choppy responses.

And here’s where disappointment comes in.  You start asking yourself, “Did I say too much” Did I make this person mad?” and all the second guessing that happens at this point.

The challenge is that there are all types of computer users on Facebook and Twitter. Some check in daily, some weekly, and some monthly or whenever they get a chance.  It’s not always a “real-time” response, but of course it can be it’s just not all the time.

So my point is, let’s drop all our expectations.  Why do we have them of others, especially in this medium?  Your famly and friends probably can’t live up to them in real life, so why the heck bring them here?

Sure, there’s banter, good back and forth dialog and hip shots, that’s what makes it fun.  There is a subtle ebb and flow of information being exchanged.  It’s like a river, and you jump in and out when it’s convenient for you.  But when we start judging others based on their response, lack of response, or what appears to be lack of interest, just let it go.

Let’s let everyone be who they are.  I always tell people “Just be you” in these applications.  You don’t have to be witty all the time, or profound.  Just be you.  And let others be them.  This is the ultimate definition for a being a good friend.  Respond when something moves you to, otherwise don’t respond at all.  Sometimes silence is golden.  And sometimes a funny retort is a perfect response.  Don’t think too much about it.  Just let it happen.  And don’t get wrapped up in reading between the lines.  That’s where trouble is lurking.

Lately I’ve been pondering the idea of quitting my coffee habit, and thinking that it’s really not that good for me.  I’ve had some minor medical issues, but lately I’m noticing my system slowing down on a few levels.  At the end of a regular day, my energy level is completely zapped.  I keep reading about how caffeine is not my friend, especially after the big 4-0.

So on Saturday morning, I decided to quit it cold turkey.  That’s the way I do everything, just take it and run with it.   I started thinking about my daily intake of liquids, and it consists of three things:  Coffee, Water and Alcohol, mostly wine and beer.  So, with that mix, I figured it would be interesting to change one of the variables.  Of course, alcohol is still out there, but one mountain at a time.

Let’s just say it’s been an interesting few days.  And I feel better. I really do. But there’s hell to pay in the process.  Such as:

1.    My patience is down to zilch. Zero. Nada. No more.  Ok, no big surprise, we’d expect at least that.
2.    I’m pretty snarky.  It’s funny because my husband notices every little inflection in my tone, and gets pissy with me when I start to get pissy.  Oh my, all I can say is how will we ever survive the next several years through the big change that’s supposed to be coming?   I don’t even want to say its name outloud.
3.    I’m a little jumpy.  I can feel my nerves on edge.

A recent conversation on my quitting coffee went down like this:

DH:  I don’t get why you need to do this. You like coffee, right?  Why would you stop drinking coffee?  I think it’s those vitamins you are taking.  Have you stopped taking those?  I think those vitamins are what caused your recent health problems, and it also gave me my kidney stone.

[Now side note, my DH’s diet consists of Mountain Dew or Sprite (for those low caffeine nights), eats sugary snacks well up to 10 or 11 pm, (just last night it was a large bowl of captain crunch) and never reads a thing.  So tell me how he would have such insight?  Oh, and I forgot this – 2  pack habit a day.]

ME:  Oh, really?

DH:  Well, it’s something I’ve been thinking for a long time.  All I know is I got my kidney stones right after I started taking them.  How can my vitamins be the same as your vitamin?  We’re completely different.  That’s always bothered me.

ME:  Well, I actually feel LESS better since I’ve been off the vitamins.  I guess I’m not sure how you get to that conclusion….but….I do think that instead of trying to blame something like a vitamin for a condition, that maybe you need to think about what you put in your body day-in-day-out, maybe read an article or two about kidney stones or whatever is bothering you, and not just make sweeping statements….<pause> what, you were barely even taking the vitamins for a month before you decided to get off them.

DH: No, it was longer than that.  {defensive now}

ME:  Well, then it was a whopping  3 months.  Look, I welcome the fact that you are thinking about health issues.  But do me a favor, look at your own habits, read an article or 2 from an expert in the area, and THEN tell me what needs to change. ….. It’s a known published fact that caffeine can be a problem for women my age.

<>

Isnt’ it time we grew up?  Isn’t it time we stop eating like we were 12?  I mean, it worked then but I know it’s not working now.  Yea, that middle of the night heartburn?  Well, that’s just the Captain (Crunch) paying you another visit.  Maybe on second thought, the Cap’n shold not have been invited in the house.

My intuition has been telling me this (the coffee thing) awhile, otherwise I wouldn’t have come to mind.  I also don’t like feeling like I “need” any particular thing. If I feel something has some sort of hold on me, I want out.

I must say though, I am worried about how DH will manage thru the next 10 years or so as things change for me.  My snarkiness will only continue to get sharper.  And unfortunately, the words are flowing so much faster and easier than they did before.

My normal approach is to be congenial, friendly, accommodating, and helpful.  I thnk that’s changing to sharp, to the point., get-out-of-my-way, communication.  Hmm…could be a problem.

It will be interesting to see how the rest of this goes.  So far after 3 days off coffee, I’m feeling better already.