I’m really not sorry

This is a crazy time of year, life seems to be on warp speed around the holidays.  People drive more aggressive, Christmas lists gnaw the back of our minds (did I remember everyone??), and the Holiday Card lists linger as another thing to do before we celebrate.

But I do like to take this time of year to reflect back on how things went and see where I can make changes in 2009.  I set goals every year, and for the most part I do alright in meeting them.  But there are others that are more elusive and tend to stay on the list from year to year.  They include things like write a book, start up an online store, write in my blog daily (cough cough)…

But I do have a big finding this year.  The kind of finding that I think is pretty deep seeded,  and may have really big ripple effects moving forward.  So, my new realization is that I apologize alot.  I’m always saying “sorry”, even when I’m not really sorry.  I’m getting a bit irritated with myself.  Sorry, my cart is in the way; Sorry, you’re in my way;  Sorry, I’m next in line; Sorry, you dropped your pen; Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.  Being polite is one thing, this is entirely another.

What’s up with that? In fact, this is something that I do ALOT.  It’s really a bunch of nonsense and has to stop.  It’s almost like “I’m Sorry for being on this planet”.  Ummm, no, I’m really not.  And, I’m here to do some interesting things that require NO apology.

This all came to a head last week when I had a brief coaching session with Andrea Conway, who is very talented at lasering right in on a problem, no matter what direction I come at.  She helped me wake up a bit and recognize it for what it is, and what a huge blocker it is.

I think it started way long ago, back when I was a child and my brother (who I love dearly NOW) really didn’t appreciate my arrival into this world (as other sources say).  I spent alot of my childhood playing things down because I wanted his attention, and placated things so I could just get along in hostile territory.  Fast forward 40 years later, and I’m still apologizing for coming into the world.  Now that may be a big jump in logic, but I do find it interesting when I discover little things like this that end up being HUGE things to consider.  Things that have deep roots require a gentle, yet strong pull to get it all vs. rip it out like a dandelion and leave half the root in.

Now I’m onto this trend.  I was shopping this weekend and I noticed how many times my subconscious answer is “Sorry” or “I’m sorry”.  Now when I catch myself I feel myself getting pissed off that I was unable to stop my unconscious response.  My son has told me to stop saying that phrase when I’m driving and “motioning” to other drivers who are usually being complete idiots…they don’t deserve my apology for sure.

So 2009 is all about no apologies, no regrets.  I’m ready to move on.  It’s bagged and tagged.  All through.

I can’t wait to discover what else is in my deep dark closet of hidden habits that could deliver a new breakthrough.  I do think this is one of those discoveries that will continue to bear new fruits.  I have no idea how today, but the mystery is unfolding, and I look forward to sharing the insights here.

The soul excavation continues.   Until next time…

Comments

  1. jordan says

    Hi Juliann. From what I have seen of your comments and insight, you have nothing to be sorry about :-). It is funny how we pick up habits that go from being subconscious background things to personality traits that define us. Good luck on shaking this one!

  2. Juliann says

    Jordan,
    Thanks for your thoughts. I’ll tell ya that I’m still trying to shake it. It’s not as easy as I hoped it would be. Good thing is I’m aware of it, so I just keep plugging away at it. Thanks for stopping in.

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